Fidelity is something we would all like to have. Relying on somebody who is unconditional is something that brings us great happiness and security. Of course, fidelity is something that requires a great deal of work, it does not arise spontaneously but needs arduous labour, day after day, to make it happen. However, some people think that not only is fidelity not necessary, but that it hinders the relationship of a couple, which is absolutely erroneous. On the contrary, reciprocal fidelity is necessary in all couples and it must be respected by both the man and the woman. Men frequently believe that they are entitled to be unfaithful, but this is as macabre as it is mistaken. It shows nothing more than tremendous dishonesty and a lack of loyalty to themselves. They believe that in this way, they will have more experience to do more things with their partners, but, on the contrary, in this way they will do things to their partners that the latter in reality will neither want nor thank them for. This is when conflict arises, although the problem is present even before the infidelity begins, the chaos commences when the man begins to think about that possibility. It is the man rather than the woman who thinks about doing this. It is not cultural, it is not. In reality, they think about it because they believe themselves to be superior, men have a superiority complex and this is something of which they need to be healed.
Women and men are sometimes unfaithful for different reasons. Whilst the former are searching for the love of their life, the latter believe that sex without love will give them a pleasure that it never gives, and to achieve it they arrive at situations that are extremely unpleasant for them and their partners, falling into a vicious circle of dissatisfaction.
Women, however, do not want to be unfaithful. When a woman reaches this point, she generally separates from her partner and leaves, even if she has not yet found a substitute. What really happens is that the woman never seeks a substitute. At heart, the woman is seeking her one true love. That is what a woman desires, to be loved completely, and when she does not feel this, she seeks other men to satisfy that deep-seated need, not to have sporadic sex, but to find at last that great love who will finally value her, give her back her dignity as a woman and make her happy. That is why in reality the woman is never unfaithful, even though some of them may be. They do not seek to be unfaithful, they seek again and again the great love of their life. However, the majority of men seek something else, they seek extreme experiences, and of an increasingly higher calibre, because they believe that sex is the maximum in their life, but in reality they gradually realise that the more they have sex without love, the less satisfaction they feel, and the more they feel this, the more they need to seek extreme, even sick and exaggeratedly unhealthy modes to give them an erection that will be more and more difficult to reach. That is why men in reality live in a vicious circle of deep dissatisfaction, and the more unfaithful they are, the less happy, and the more difficulty they will have in achieving a natural and simple erection. They arrive at such pernicious situations that they come to believe that it is necessary to do harm to feel desire. Such extreme situations end up ruining their lives, because the reality is that no normal woman is excited by that. On the contrary, it damages them tragically and painfully and they need years if not entire lives to heal from experiences that are so terrifying and denigrating for any human being.
Now I will talk about good sex, the kind that generates prolonged satisfaction, based on gentleness, love and fidelity, and not on extreme aberrations that lead to destruction.
But, you may think, satisfaction from sex is important too, and indeed it is, very much so, but it is not precisely the sex that gives the prolonged satisfaction, not in the least. How long does the pleasure of an orgasm last? A second? two? I do not really know as it depends on each person, but what I can say is that this is an absolute pittance, that it is nothing in reality, it is like wanting to make a camel pass through the eye of a needle. There is something marvellous out there, something very special, much more special, that could provide enduring satisfaction, but which hardly anybody tries. And yes, now I am talking about sex, but about good sex. Because that is the problem, that there is no good sex in the world. There are aberrations and more aberrations, and I am not going to talk about them, because I do not even know them, and I do not want to know them either, but I know they exist. So, you will ask, what is this sex that can bring us so much satisfaction? Well, it is very simple, sex full of pleasure, mixed with love and fidelity. That is what makes sex superior, but nobody really knows it, people think that extreme experiences are superior and it is quite the opposite, experiences full of sweetness and love are what truly lead us to a total climax, but people have very much lost their way with these topics, they think that this is not real, but some of you reading this know that it is real.
The key to making your wife happy with sex and, as a consequence, to make you feel more virile and happy, is not precisely hard sex, but quite the opposite. Dare to ask your wife what she really likes, and you, my friend, dare to tell him the truth that you sometimes hide to stop him from feeling humiliated.
You may think that doing hard things to your wife is good because you believe that in that way she will experience greater pleasure, but in reality, no. She may not like those things. Why do you not ask her and wait for her to tell you sincerely what really satisfies her? Because that is the key, her satisfaction will make you feel very virile, it will make you truly feel like a real man. The truth is that you do not need to learn anything with other people, the person with whom you need to learn all about sex is your own partner, that is all there is to it. Trust in your love, whisper sweet things in her ear, ask her how she likes it. She will remember her first times when she was really happy and she will let you know. And if she is damaged because she has yet to be loved, tell her those things that you would like to hear yourself, you will see that inadvertently, little by little, she will also repeat those same things to you. Never insult your partner to excite her, that does not excite, it hurts. Have extreme compassion, look at her body with love, with gentleness, tell her that she is perfect for you, that you never believed you would find a love as great as hers. You will see that things like that will really excite her, those things will enable you to obtain greater pleasure and prolong the satisfaction into old age. In reality, great love is forever, if a couple separates it is because they have not been able to fight for their love or because, quite simply, they did not truly love each other.
To enjoy healthy and mutually satisfactory sex, it is necessary to unlearn certain extreme practices and return to more traditional practices, which enabled many members of the older generation to enjoy sex in a simpler and more straightforward way, while at the same time gratifying.
The extreme things that you do to your wife hurt her. You probably think not, but some day you will understand that it is really so. To be able to seduce your wife without hurting her and have pleasurable and lasting sex, to manage to excite her merely by looking at her, just by brushing her hand for an instant, the following is necessary. You must unlearn all those extreme things that you have experienced with other women and have taught your partner. I am not going to say which things you need to unlearn, because I am really not familiar with the majority of the practices that are being performed, but I fully trust that you, together with your partner, will be able to distinguish between what is inappropriate and what is beautiful and healthy. Then, once you have unlearned, you will have to begin to practise traditional sex and you will see that this is what you both like best, at least in the majority of cases. I know that this is not easily understood, even by me, but I have always trusted the older generation, and something tells me that this is where the solution lies. There is always something healthy in the old sayings and teachings, and they are not there by chance, they are there because they are a gift to lead us along the road to happiness.
To enjoy sex with love it is necessary to discover whether you really love your partner or if you are only using each other, since the latter is irredeemably condemned to failure, but if there is authentic love there is a great potential for prolonged and lasting enjoyment, in which the woman must tell the man frankly what she really likes, connecting for this purpose with the deepest reaches of her heart.
And of course, the question now is how to unlearn all those inappropriate things that you already practise together. Do not worry, it is very simple. First you need to discern whether you are together for sex or because you love each other. If it is only for cold hard sex, then there is no solution, you will continue to do the same until you no longer find new stronger things with which to satisfy yourselves, and then you will separate by mutual agreement, with no suffering of any kind, but both greatly weakened and disillusioned, and you will look for another partner with whom to repeat this same morbid cycle that will damage more and more people. That is the crude reality. Now, if you really love each other, the potential of this route is enormous, you can reach the summit naturally, without major problems, you can be happy very easily, but first it is necessary to unlearn, and for this the role of the woman is fundamental, because she is the one who must say “I like this” or “I don’t like that”, and the man will respect her and he will say, “okay we’ll keep this, not this”. And that is how easy it will be. The woman must connect with the depths of her heart and ask herself, “Do I really like this or is it doing me harm?” That is how easy it is.
If you watch pornography to have sex, you need to find out certain things about yourself, and perhaps you need to consult an expert psychologist, because the reality is that this, instead of helping to increase the pleasure, diminishes it more and more.
Some men turn to pornography as an extreme means to provoke pleasure in their partner, and they do not realise that every time they do that, in reality it is causing harm to them both. What they need to do is to stop looking at all of that. This is very important. Do not look at pictures, or pornographic or even erotic videos, it is necessary to simply make love lovingly, that is all. If you watch those things while you practise you will be dealing an atrocious blow to your partner and another to yourself. But, you may think, this is not so, it is an aid. Well no, it is just the opposite. Now, if you are already used to watching porn, what can you do? What you need to do is to ask yourself what you like more, watching or doing? If you prefer watching, then you have a serious problem, because you will have to visit a psychologist and find out the first time it happened, why this is happening to you, whether perhaps you were raped and do not remember, and that is why you prefer to watch rather than do. But if you realise that you prefer to do, then the solution is very simple. What you must do is look at your wife with love, and for your wife to look at you with the same love. Tell each other sweet and gentle things that you know you both like, perhaps remember that first time you made love and what you liked the most and say to your partner, “Why don’t you say that again?” That way you can advance more quickly. There is nothing wrong with explaining, or asking, that is very good, you both need to explain and to ask, and it is the woman who must end the senseless taboo by which her man has to guess what she wants. That is absolutely irrational, not even fortune tellers know those things, how is your partner going to know them if you do not tell him sincerely. It is necessary to be more sincere and transparent and tell each other frankly what you really like.
Sadly, many young people are already being introduced to their sexuality by pornography, brutally damaging their sexual potential. It is necessary to nip these behaviours in the bud before they lose any hope of regaining the experience of a full and satisfactory sexuality. We already know that in these things there is a great deal of faking which only confuses the youngest viewers who have never experienced real sexuality.
Now, regarding the subject of pornography, I must say that the issue is of greater concern that it would appear on the surface. Young people today have their first experiences looking at these things, and that damages them forever, because it will be very difficult for them to have good sex at any time, because that sex, although it may seem an exaggeration, I must say with completely frankness, is extremely damaging. That is the reality, unconsciously everybody participates in it to do people harm. People who make love like that do not enjoy it, they are only faking, and they need increasingly higher doses of medication to enable them to live like that. It is the most miserable life that exists, which nobody would wish upon anybody, and much less on themselves. That is why, if you watch it, not only are you damaging yourself, you are also harming all those people who cannot break out of that life, to seek better ways of making a living that will lead them along more prosperous paths. That is why watching pornography is really a great error.
If, being a woman, you like watching pornography, you must ask yourself whether you prefer to be excited by that or whether you prefer your man to seduce you with love and to take you to a climax where you can really feel loved. Remember that sexuality is a source of pleasure not of perversion. Do not allow your partner to show you those things if you do not really want to live them.
But if you are a woman and you have watched pornography and you have liked it, think about whether you would really like your partner to do those things to you in real life, or whether that is only a potentially dangerous excitation, to then have sex in the way you really like it. Do you really believe you need that prior excitation or would you prefer your man to stimulate you with love, to whisper nice things in your ear, approach you gently, touch you with care and love, enfold you in his arms, make you feel unique and special? What do you prefer him to do to excite you? To do all of that or to put on a porn film for you? If you do not want the latter, do not allow it. Perhaps you do so because you fear you will lose your partner, but that is not so, you are doing the opposite. By allowing it you are damaging yourself and your partner. What you have to do is to set a clear and conclusive limit and tell your husband that you do not like it and that is that. Nothing could be easier. Perhaps you think that he will then want to watch it alone. Well yes, it is very possible, but then you will tell him that he cannot come to you turned-on because what he has to do is to excite you the way you like it and not like that. Now, if your husband works hard and he excites you with love, look to see whether what he does to excite you is really honest and you like it or if you dislike it. If you dislike it tell him so, explain that you do not want that. Do not fear that he will go with another woman, on the contrary, he will surely learn to value you more and you will be doing him and your relationship a great favour.
If you are a man and you like pornography you need to know that you are assuming a very great risk, because your erection will need increasingly larger stimuli, and there will come a time when no aberration, however horrible, will generate the erection you want. You must flee immediately from all of that, and avoid falling into that situation, because it only damages you and your partner.
If you are a man and you are used to watching pornography, and you even use it to excite your partner, you need to know that that is absolutely erroneous. Every time you do that you are losing your virility. You may believe that it is just the opposite, but it is not. Every time you do it you are causing the need to receive greater stimuli to generate an erection, and what you are doing is to lose you real masculinity. That is the worrying aspect of the issue. It would be a good idea for you to read my article “The keys to pleasure and satisfaction” because that way you will understand why this happens in that way. Therefore, you need to fight that temptation with a great deal of strength. You will have to set yourself small targets. Perhaps watch less hard, rather than increasingly hard things, and then you will understand the damage you are doing to yourself and, as a consequence, to your partner.
Now you will think that fidelity is more important than you believed, and that is true, but you have to earn it, and not by seducing other women or men, but by learning to seduce your own partner, whom you have chosen for love, whom you are with for a reason. Observe what you feel by her side and discover whether you really love her or not, that is the key that will indicate whether or not you should carry on with that relationship.
Having reached this point, do you believe that fidelity is important or that it is not trivial? The truth is that it is very, very important. The most important thing that exists in a couple’s relationship. Fidelity makes love grow together and anybody who does not respect this is damaging himself and his partner. There is a couple I know, he was unfaithful to her, he slipped up one night without meaning to and had a one-night stand. His wife never knew, but something inside her told her that her man smelt differently that day, that he did different things learned during that slip-up, that he did not behave the same, that he was even a little uncomfortable, that there was no longer the same transparency between them, things like that. That was how, little by little, the woman sowed a doubt in her heart with regard to her partner, but without saying anything, because everything seemed apparently normal. Not speaking with him at all to clarify things meant that the snowball grew until she became unwell. She currently suffers from several episodes of paranoia. Nobody really knows why that illness appeared, but it makes a great deal of sense. Specialists know that brooding over a doubt for a long time with regard to somebody so well-loved can generate decompensations of this type. That woman is now undergoing medical treatment, she is better, but she believes that she is very unwell. But in reality it was he who, without wishing to, contributed in some way to her becoming unwell, regardless of whether there were also other reasons.
To know whether your partner is really the right one you must first investigate whether this is really so, you must tell him or her sincerely what you want, you must ask for what he or she can give you, and from then on discover whether or not you really want to carry on with your partner, because the reality is that if there is no love it is better to forgive each other and separate as soon as possible.
If something fails in a relationship and one of the couple is unfaithful, it is necessary to investigate deeply before taking a decision with greater consequences. Before admitting to this error, it is necessary to make a deeper analysis. If it is the woman who failed, she must tell the man that she needs more sex with love from him and he will be pleased to give it to her. Then the woman will investigate what really happened, whether it was lack of sex, or lack of love, or what really happened. This sometimes happens because the woman believes that her man does not truly love her, and she goes looking for the love of her life. Now, if it was the man who failed, he too should not say anything, he should simply ask his partner for more love, not sex, but love, and then the woman will feel pleased and she will give him more love, and that is where the man will realise whether he loves really his mistress or his wife. And it is then, having reached this point, after having analysed the situation and investigated the motives, that both will speak truthfully and say what really happened. If they really love each other and believe that they can recover the trust, they will forgive each other, and they will continue in their relationship, making every effort not to repeat the error, because a second time would destroy the trust in the relationship forever and they would not be able to stay together. Of course, it is necessary to study how far the trust can be recovered, because if the forgiveness is not authentic, if the change is not real, and the trust cannot be recovered, the best way to love the other person is to leave them, to save them for another relationship, in which they will have learned that before failing they must ask for what they need from their partner and investigate whether they love them, and not the other way round, to deceive and then investigate. If, on the contrary, after the investigation, they observe that they do not love their partner, and that there is no way possible to recover the love that perhaps one day was present, it is better to end the relationship in peace, without threats, without deceit, without bitterness, without reproach, as pacifically as possible, and forgiving each other mutually, because forgiveness is necessary in either of the two cases, otherwise the link to suffering will remain, preventing them from being happy, whether together or apart. I invite you to read the article on forgiveness “Freedom through forgiveness”. Now, a failure, an isolated infidelity, is one thing, and a deceit or successive deceits quite another. In no case should one lead a double life or make a habit of infidelity for whatever reason. In those cases, there is nothing to investigate, as soon as the deceit is discovered, the door to separation opens and the relationship will end even if they continue to live in the same house, something that is not advisable, because it is a continuous source of suffering. A person who acts with bravery and honesty will always receive the help of the universe to continue on their way in peace.
Some people think that infidelity is only sleeping with someone, but no, it may also be falling in love with somebody, even though you have not had sex with that person. Infidelities of this kind are the ones that hurt the most, and in those cases you must assume the risk of leaving your partner and trying to find your ideal partner, whether it is that person you are in love with or another.
Perhaps you think that falling in love with another woman if there is no sex is not infidelity, well yes, it is, and it hurts more than if you had had sex, because if it happens it is clear that you no longer love your partner and that you should leave her. And you will say, but perhaps the new person doesn’t really love me, that she isn’t the one for me, well, it does not matter, at this moment in time that is not important. To begin with you should not be with somebody whom you no longer truly love, you must leave, heal yourself, and when the other person sees that you are free then perhaps, perhaps she will notice you, and if not, it is not important, you can pay attention to another person. The important thing is to have real relationships, and not to maintain a sham or create a daily suffering, especially if you continue to sleep with somebody you no longer love because, if you do that, it is a serious error which wears down the person and the potential for sexuality, as well as damaging both your hearts.
Freedom and love are extremes of the same reality, one does not exist without the other, but freedom is not about damaging the other person, freedom is seeking what is good for the other in different ways. Therefore, if you love somebody, let him go free, if he comes back to you he is yours, and if he does not perhaps he never was.
Now, many people think that love is freedom, and I agree, one cannot exist without the other. But one thing is clear, if you really love your partner, you will not deceive her with anybody. Why do many people think that freedom means infidelity? This is a serious, a very very very serious error, a person who truly loves never deceives. A person who loves, it is true, allows the other person to be free, not to deceive them but to be free to be themselves, freedom to allow the other person to enjoy what they like, freedom to allow the other to think and have their own beliefs and not yours, freedom so that the other can say no to you when they do not like something and not be blackmailed into submitting to your desires, freedom for the other to have spaces for all kinds of hobbies and friends (very favourable aspects that enrich the relationship), freedom to allow the other person to love other people freely in a fraternal manner, without ever suspecting that they will be unfaithful, freedom so that the other person can say what they do not like about you, and not have to continuously keep quiet about it because they know you will get angry, freedom so that the other person can leave you if they no longer love you, freedom so that the other person can be left if you have ceased to love them, all of this is freedom, and all of this is love. Because if you love somebody, let him go free, if he comes back to you he is yours, and if he does not perhaps he never was. That is the reality, the truth about love. Fidelity is love with a capital letter, and infidelity is serious, very serious, betrayal with a capital letter. So, you decide what you want from your life, to have a great, special love, or want to live a lie in a loveless life that will never make you happy. Decide what you want to do with your life. To build the miracle of living a full love on the earth or destroy your life with moral predicaments, that do good to nobody, absolutely anybody. Now, if you want help on this matter, you must ask for it, but not from just any psychologist, you must go to a place that is really honest on this matter, since many people are confused about these things, because in this period through which humanity is passing there are many important things that we cannot see clearly, things that for our grandparents and great grandparents were much clearer.
In short, freedom is loving without conditions, it is allowing the other person to be him or herself, and allowing ourselves the same thing, that is freedom, the rest is only a fantasy to excuse errors and unforgivable betrayals.
In short, freedom is never infidelity, but a necessary condition for how love should be lived, but not to do harm, on the contrary. As Daniel Andreevsays, “Divine creation is the goal, Loveis the means, Freedom is the condition”. Love is built, among other things, with fidelity, and not with the opposite. In reality, the most important cement of love, and one of the vital ingredients, is trust. When this is broken, that love can be lost. It is essential for Love to be based on a great trust, that of being able to deposit your life in the hands of the other and vice versa, and for that fidelity is essential. Anything that veers from this is a fallacy, self-deception and excuses for acting in a heartless manner and therefore finding justification for actions that only bring damage and suffering, and which are anything but love and freedom.